I have always struggled to make friends

Ever since I can remember I have always been left out. I went to a very small primary school with only four other girls in my grade. School trips were always slightly stressful for me, when we had to pick a partner to sit next to on the bus or stand next to in line, I was always the odd one out. But funnily enough this never bothered me, not really. Once we got there and participated in group activities I was absolutely fine. I was a little bit older than the other girls, by six or seven months which at that age makes quite the difference. I grew faster than them, I matured earlier than them and I was always a little bit of an odd ball, but I accepted this and was totally fine with it. I got on with my school work, enjoyed my after school clubs and I honestly have fond memories of being at school. I guess this is why my transition when we moved from England to South Africa was fairly easy for me, I was going to be going to highschool anyway and had accepted that I would be making new friends in a new school, so what was the difference between that and a new country?

I have always desperately wanted a close group of friends that would look out for me, check in with me and would do anything for me just as I would want to do for them. Don't get me wrong, I have friends, I've never been totally isolated, but nothing that has lasted past the phase I was in. I have only just started speaking to my high school friends again since we left high school eight years ago, slowly but surely my friends from University are also disconnecting one by one, work colleagues have remained work colleagues and I just can never seem to retain meaningful relationships.

One of my biggest fears is finding the balance between being overly eager so as not to scare people away and being overly cautious so the connection dissipates. I often feel like I am always the one to start an engagement to receive little to nothing back. I started a new outlook on friendships when I was trying so hard to save my friendships from high school after I moved out of the town I grew up in to the big scary city of Cape Town. I started treating friendships the way some people treat their wardrobe when spring cleaning. "Have I worn this in the last year? No, then toss it out" I adopted this into my life, "Has this person started a conversation with me in the last year or has it been a one way nightmare to get three words out of them?" "Has this person made an effort to contact me or see me or connect with me in the last year or have I been the only one to make plans?" If the answer was "No, I am the one making the sole effort in this relationship" then I withdraw, I stop texting them, I stop making plans and if they still don't make any form of effort then cheers. Clearly I valued the relationship more and they are not worth my time or effort. It sounds heartless but know that it breaks me everytime, knowing that the way I felt about someone wasn't reciprocated.

The most heartbroken I have ever been in my entire life was when my best friend of eleven years DM'ed me on instagram (of all places) saying she no longer wants to be friends anymore. We had grown up together, she was one of the first people I met when I moved to South Africa, we went to boarding school together, travelled Europe together, moved to Cape Town and lived together. This girl who I would have done anything for was telling me that I was not a good friend, that I was not supportive enough, that I had never listened to her in the eleven years we had known each other. It broke me. I was not okay, it hit me harder than any break up I had been through. It was a betrayal that came out of nowhere and hit me hard. I cried for two weeks straight, in fact, I still cry about it even now two years later. I had to block her on social media because seeing her was too hard, I thought about her everyday for a year, I thought about what happened and what I did wrong.

I know now, looking back that our friendship was not healthy, we both had our problems and it definitely wasn't just me who was in the wrong. I think I was holding onto our relationship because we grew up together and had known each other for so long, I was so easy to forgive her wrongs because of what our friendship meant to me, which is not a good reason to stay friends with someone. Just because a friendship was beneficial to both parties in the beginning does not mean it stays that way. In the end we were better off without each other and I'm actually thankful that she cut me off, one of us needed to and in the end it was better to have a clean break than wonder what happened between us.

It's also hard being the friend that moved away which unfortunately is the story of my life. Life goes on without you. You see your friends carry on with the life you once shared with them, they create deeper more meaningful relationships with humans that are physically there. The reality is, it is easier to stay in touch with people who are around you, people need physical interaction and when you are the friend who is away that is something you just cannot provide.

My best friend in the entire world is introverted like me and so our relationship via whatsapp works for us. We can go weeks without speaking but when important things come up in our lives or we need a rant or a friend outside of work to talk to we always contact each other before anyone else. Which is exactly what we both need out of this relationship, we are there for each other when things matter. I love him so much but that's the thing. He's a him. There are some things that he will just never be able to relate to me about (although I will give it to him he does try bless his heart) and this is the reason why I crave for this kind of a relationship with another woman. It's so hard to explain but there is just something about having a friendship with someone with the same gender identity as you, someone who can physically understand what you're going through instead if just imagining your pain.

Please understand that I am not saying that his friendship is not enough for me because that is certainly not the case. He has been there through it all with me and is still there for me. But I believe that different people serve different purposes in your life. My partner does not provide the same relationship as my best friend does or my parents do. They're all in my life because I love and value them equally but differently and I think this is very important. Because everyone is so different they can give you the different things you need. It's also more fair to those around you that you are not solely relying on one person for all your needs.

I know this blog post sounds a lot like a sob story but it really isn't. Do I wish I had some more meaningful relationships? Of course I do, but don't we all. I am happy and I believe that the right people have come into my life at the right time and in fact some people have recently come back into my life who have the same opinions as me. If you related to this post and are looking for a solution I don't have one, as there is no formula for making friends and even if there was one clearly I don't know it, just know that so many people feel this way. It is a normal and valid feeling to have. So many people these days and especially the last two years what with good old 'Rona feel more disconnected than ever before but you are not alone. Hang in there and don't give up.