Have I given up on my dream?

When I decided to turn away from acting to pursue a career in yachting, I knew it was the best option for me. Not just financially but emotionally as well. I am the kind of person who is more motivated when I'm busy. I like to be actively working, having tasks and goals that need completing and feeling accomplished at the end of the day.

That is sadly something a performing career could not provide for me then. But there is always that question in the back of my mind: "Did I give up?". I have always wanted to be a performer, from the moment I could walk and talk I was giving my parents little shows in the kitchen. They knew it and I knew it, I was destined for the performing arts. So, I can't help but think I gave up on everything I had been working towards my whole life because things got too hard.

It's easy to think like that now, when I have a comfortable job with a decent salary because it's easy to forget all the hardships I went through when I was unemployed. And yes, I was unemployed. I had a few weekend jobs but that is never going to be enough to pay for all the classes you have to take, for rent, for petrol and all the other living expenses I had. Going to one or two auditions a week if I was lucky and not booking a single thing, I could hardly call myself a working actor. I was depressed, stressed and had no direction in life. I wasn't as multi-talented as my fellow performing friends so I couldn't become a teacher, my dancing was, let's be honest, pretty poor which held me back so much no matter how hard I tried to improve.

But sitting here reflecting and seeing people do the things I cannot do on a boat unless you really want to annoy your colleagues (even though my shower still gets the occasional concert from time to time) makes me a little sad. And even though it's two years later I still ask "Did I give up too soon?"

And the answer is no. No I didn't because I haven't given up. But I had to do something that was going to support me while I figure the performing thing out. I needed my own financial support system to pay for all those dance classes and living expenses when I'm ready to go back because when I do go back, I'm doing it differently.

But financially speaking aside, I also needed a kick up the bum to grow up a bit. Transitioning from being your own boss to being the lowest of the ranks is just the kind of humbling I needed. Before I started yachting, I thought I knew everything, seen everything and had my life together (I didn't) but yachting has made me realise that I'm always learning, always evolving.

So why do I feel guilty for having career goals that aren't performing related? Because I have two loves now, and I feel like a traitor to my past self for actually admitting that I love yachting but I do. And in this case having two loves is not a bad thing at all. I'm neither giving up on myself nor holding myself back. I'm learning skills that are going to help me in the long run. I'm also pretty good at being a stewardess just like I'm pretty good at singing and acting. So there is nothing wrong with having career goals for the place I'm in right now. It means that I will push myself to be amazing in the place I'm in now which is exactly where I'm supposed to be.

I think it's hard seeing yourself succeeding in ways that you hadn't envisioned. And that is something I am still coming to terms with. It's hard letting go of something you've wanted your whole life and seeing yourself be successful and actually enjoying something that isn't what you planned on. Something that was meant to be temporary is now something that has the potential to be permanent and I think that is quite scary and hard to accept.

I think what is getting me through accepting both parts of me is that joining yachting hasn't harmed me in any way. It's only allowed me to become better, see things I would have never seen before and grow up into the person I am today. And all those things can only help me become a better performer one day. And I keep having to remind myself that the arts aren't going anywhere, and when I'm ready they will welcome me back.

Growing up is really, really hard. That's something the adults don't tell you when you're young but we figure out quite quickly. And for most of us it isn't simply choosing a career and that's where you're stuck for the next 40 years. We're complex human beings trying to navigate a very confusing world. So don't let yourself feel guilty for the choices you've made to get you where you are now. Whether that be putting your dreams on hold or only realising 'late on' what you want to do with your life. There is no timeline, you're exactly where you need to be right now and that's beautiful and scary and exciting.